Archive for January 12th, 2019

I Forgive You

I forgive you, Priscilla, for your conniving ways. For coming into a job I got you and trying to push me out. I forgive you for pushing me out. For getting me fired.

I forgive you for conniving against me and trying to get the whole world to hate me. I forgive you for breaking my “people are good” bubble. And for making me question the love of family.

I forgive you, extended family, for believing Priscilla’s words. And for all the horrible things you said about my sister, my mother, and I.

I forgive you, Alyssa, for passively sitting by. And for letting all this happen.

I forgive you, Peter, for groping me, trying to finger me, and forcibly kissing me everytime I came to care for your mother. I forgive you for doing this while your wife was in the kitchen. I forgive you for ruining kisses and romance for me.

I forgive you for yelling at me everytime I rejected you. And for trying to hit me because I spilled coffee on you… coffee that spilled because I was pushing you away from me as you tried to kiss me and get ontop of me. I forgive you for sneaking into my bed…with your mother in the room…and trying your advances on me. Knowing I couldn’t scream or yell for I’d wake Ma.

I forgive you, Ruby, for saying I wanted it.

I forgive you, Dad, for making it a crime not to work. And calling me a loser everytime I stayed home. For making taking care of your family my responsibility, and making enduring Peter’s nonsense my only option. I forgive you for always bringing me down. And killing all the energy, fire, and dreams I had for my future. I forgive you for killing the confidence I had in myself; for calling me ugly; and always making me feel like I was not enough.

I forgive you mom for calling me a slut…

I forgive you mom for calling me a slut..

I forgive you mom for calling me a slut. And chosing other people over me. I forgive you for beating me out of nowhere because my cousin said I was flirting with a teacher (?!). At 10yrs old?!!

I forgive you for making it dirty to smile with people. And making it impossible for me to laugh with the opposite sex without feeling like a slut…even though I know none of that is my actual intention.

I forgive you.

I forgive you, cousins, for hating me. Even though all I ever did was love you. And try my very best to be apart of your family.

I forgive you, Martin, for cheating on me with my bestfriend and turning me into a forever untrusting paranoid human being.

I forgive you, John, for playing with my heart. Telling me I’m your world, in private, and then turning around and telling your whole world I imagined it. I forgive you for sealing my doubt in every man’s words and actions. I forgive you for how disrespectful you were, and how humiliated you made me feel.

I forgive you Sam for trying to have sex with me. Your cousin! And gripping my butt at the Halloween party. In front of all our family!! A power move. I forgive you. But also thank you. For reminding me that men are, and will always be…scum!

I forgive you, Me, for not being perfect. And not always achieving the goals I set out for you. I forgive you for not being assertive enough to stand up for yourself. Or strong enough to protect yourself. I forgive you for caring for other people more than you care for yourself. And for not knowing everything and not behaving as perfectly as you should. I forgive you for not having the career you should and the life that you should. I forgive you for not having the people in your life that you should.

I forgive you for all the classes you failed–Classes you never should. And I forgive you, should they be a reason you are not accepted into med school.

I. Forgive. You.


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